


love,pain, and exy

by starryxdjh



Series: kevin day centric fics [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Bi Kevin Day, Bisexual Kevin Day, Coming Out, Kevin Day POV, Kevin POV, M/M, POV Kevin, POV Kevin Day, aaron isn’t a shithead yay, kevin b healing, kevin day is gay for jeremy knox, kevin isnt with thea anymore they broke up, takes place in kevin’s fourth year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:47:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25618339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryxdjh/pseuds/starryxdjh
Summary: kevin day was a boy who loved too much;he loved riko, despite the torture and the pain. he loved nathaniel, the child who had managed to escape all those years ago, who  played so fierce kevin was forever in awe since that first meeting. he loved jean, although he had never been brave enough to love him somewhere that wasn’t a secret. he loved thea, a more acceptable partner,a more applicable partner- but she was too tied to everything he felt trapped by. he loved jeremy, the single light emerging from an eternal blackness. if only kevin could reach close enough to have that light brush over his skin, to feel the warmth.                                                            he even loved andrew, once, for his protection and his anchor in a time of desperation and plead. he loved him more once he had neil; because then kevin had given him what he wanted- no, andrew did not want anything, but he was content with neil. neil was enough.kevin was not.kevin has never been enough, not for anyone or anything. kevin day had never been allowed to love.the only thing he was allowed to love was, is, exy.
Relationships: Andrew Minyard/Neil Josten, Kevin Day/Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day/Jean Moreau, Kevin Day/Jeremy Knox, Kevin Day/Thea Muldani, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Past Kevin Day/Andrew Minyard, Past Kevin Day/Riko Moriyama - Relationship, Past Kevin Day/Thea Muldani, past Kevin Day/Jean Moreau - Relationship
Series: kevin day centric fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866139
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	love,pain, and exy

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda shit but i have a shit ton of kevin fics in my notes,so im dumping them here even if theyre shit
> 
> TW: homophobic slurs

kevin day was a boy who loved too much;

  
he loved riko, despite the torture and the pain. he loved nathaniel, the child who had managed to escaped and had played so fierce kevin was in awe the first time they met. he loved jean, although he had never crossed the been brave enough to love him somewhere that wasn’t a secret. he loved thea, a more acceptable partner that was approved of- but she was too tied to everything he felt trapped bu. he loved jeremy, because he is so bright and everything else is so dark. if only kevin could have reached close enough to have that light brush over his skin, to feel the warmth. 

he even loved andrew, once, for his protection and his anchor in a time of desperation and plead. he loved him more once he had neil; because then kevin had given him what he wanted- no, andrew did not _want_ anything, but he was content with neil. neil was enough.  
kevin was not.  
_kevin has never been enough, not for anyone or anything._

~

kevin day had never been allowed to love.  
the only thing he _was_ allowed to love was, _is_ , exy.

and so he does.

he plays exy like it’s his life; and it is, really.it was his life at the nest,riko and exy. that was his perfect _perfect_ life.he should've been grateful, _he had been_. until riko crushed his hand and took both away.

love, pain and exy are all he’s ever known, even if they are closely related in his mind. he can never have the first, he managed to escape the second , so that leaves him with just exy. he can’t afford to let go, it’s all that’s left of him.

or so, he thinks.  
kevin day still very much experiences love and pain, often in the absence of each other. the pain, albeit no longer physical, crashes in once their love disappears- or once kevin realises it was simply never there.  
kevin’s love can never disappear, even if everyone else’s can. his heart is too large, too open and ready to fill.

he tries to fill it with exy.

~~_that’s what he was always taught_ ~~

~

the USC trojans have just won a match against the palmetto state foxes ; and yet kevin doesn’t seem to care that his team has lost.  
he gives himself the excuse that the trojans are simply his favourite team ; hence the _joy_ he felt when they won.

that same joy was definitely not because straight after jeremy scored the leading point and the goal went red, he screamed with happiness and tackled kevin in a hug.

kevin is just glad his helmet covers his blush.

he and Jeremy have gotten closer over the years, since all the events in his sophomore year and Jeremy’s junior. Jeremy is currently in his 5th and final year, while kevin still has one more year at palmetto.  
this final match between the foxes and trojans determined a win in the championships for the trojans; it had been a close match, the scores being 6-5 in the trojan's favour. kevin can list at least a million faults in both teams skills tonight, but he keeps his mouth shut and just grins stupidly as the rest of jeremy's team come in for a group hug, which for some reason kevin is at the centre of.

kevin has always shown his support for the trojans, even rooting for them against his own team, which apparently gives him an honorary trojan status. he’s happy for it, and he’s even gladder that jeremy’s final year ended with his team winning the finals.

unsurprisingly, (most of) the foxes join in on the group hug. in the middle of the court is just a mass of bodies pressed against each other, it’s a beautiful moment.  
eventually kevin and the rest of the foxes pull away to let the trojans celebrate themselves, kevin waving a short goodbye to jeremy as his own teammates start to file into the locker rooms. no one is angry; foxes vs trojans have always been fun yet competitive games. kevin makes sure of that, especially since not all of their younger teammates are as joyful in nature.

jeremy catches his hand as he pulls away “ kevin!” he laughs, and _oh fucking christ it’s such a bright,beautiful laugh_

“ would you come and celebrate with me after the game? to the after party and then we can do our own thing afterwards?” he looks nervous despite his toothy grin. jeremy knox does _not_ get nervous though, so kevin assumes he imagined it.

he clears his throat and just nods, feeling all eyes on him. laila,alvarez’s, and even fucking nicky’s knowing smirks. andrew's unimpressed but amused glance. jean’s conflicted stare, because it sounds an awful lot like his best friend is trying to ask his past lover out right now.

is that what’s happening right now? kevin refuses to believe it. why in the world would jeremy want him? he’s just a lonely,lost moon in this endless galaxy, and jeremy himself is the brightest sun.

so,so bright.

kevin isn’t used to the sun, after being surrounded by the darkness for so long. he’s afraid it’ll burn him if he comes too close, or worse.  
perhaps it’ll even shed some light on him,allowing this moon to shine despite the dark, but then he can’t can’t hide anymore, he’ll shine in the sky with the help of another’s light and he’ll be _seen_ for what he is. _what he truly is_. kevin is used to the spotlight,but he's never _really_ been seen.once the light shines on him he’ll know who he is , _what_ he's like when he's just 'himself',whatever that is. not just riko's second, or an exy player. he'd be his own moon, no longer orbiting a planet he was binded too for so long.  
his own person.

kevin is afraid he won’t like what is revealed.

regardless, it’s foolish to think he could have jeremy even if jeremy _did_ want him. kevin wouldn’t be enough for him in the end, it’d be pointless. and it’s not like kevin _actually liked_ the guy. it was just a crush. a small,insignificant crush. or at least it was at first ; before kevin started to realise not only is this guy ridiculously kind,good at exy, aNd insanely attractive. he was _also_ hilarious, good company, had the biggest heart and he felt _safe_.

most importantly, kevin felt like a _real person_ when he was around him.

the thought was horrifying, being your own person.

since riko’s death, kevin has _tried_ to recover. but that mostly meant becoming number 1, stronger and better than riko ever was. he no longer feels second best, but that doesn’t mean he’s his own person yet. he’s more devoted to the court than ever, simply a vessel filled with dedication to the sport that he was born into.

he has tied up loose ends of course. apologised to jean, for not fighting for him. for leaving him alone.

jean never forgave him at first, and kevin was unsure if he ever fully would. but they were almost friends now, and spoke over the phone weekly.

he remembers how he once told jean about his school-girl-like crush on jeremy, in hushed whispers in a dark corridor. it hadn’t been worth it though, sharing his secret. not after seeing the evident hurt on jean’s face.  
not after the beats they both received from riko , once the news was reported back to him by a loyal raven that had been lurking in the shadows as their conversation occurred.

soon after that, kevin realised his longing for jeremy knox was something out of a fantasy. someone he could never,ever have. ravens only slept with ravens. ravens didn’t even do relationships.  
jean was willing to do relationships.

they both agreed that their former romance could never take off again. they were both too broken for the other, and perhaps that was what drew them to each other in the first place. both abused by riko, both in the same situation. but now they were both in better places, and their joint trauma was no longer comforting, but a reminder of all that they’d been through.

distant friends was the best choice for them; still comforted by the fact they weren’t alone, but still far enough to not trigger any more pain.

besides, last year jean had met a boy he’d taken a liking too.who,affter a while, he began to trust. kevin didn’t remember his major, nor his name. just that he didn’t play exy. it was the ultimate rebellion against riko, investing in something that didn’t relate to their life sport. kevin wondered if he would ever dare to act out in such a way.  
he decided he would, if granted the opportunity.

_suddenly he remembers the distain on riko’s face after meeting jeremy knox for the first time. ‘ too kind, he should focus more energy on the game and less on other people’._

he smiles to himself as he enters the locker rooms, wondering just how much riko would be attested to him dating jeremy knox. the knowledge that he’d be outraged only makes kevin want jeremy more.

apparently, his smile is misinterpreted. because he earns shit eating grins from most of the foxes. namely nicky and neil (who, despite being an oblivious fuck, eventually picked up on kevin’s very blatant crush on the trojan's team captain) , as well as some of the sophomores - who witnessed firsthand at last years matches just how flustered kevin day can actually get. it was a beautiful sight.

the freshman seem a little confused, but they stick around because it’s pretty obvious somethings about to happen.

kevin coughs “ what? stop looking at me and start reflecting on how terrible you guys did tod-“  
nicky interrupts him “ kevin ! shut the fuck up! your 3 year crush just literally asked you out!”  
kevin tries to ignore the blush on his cheeks “ crush? incase you didn’t know, i’m straight”  
that definitely was _not_ true. but the message instilled at evermore still affected him. you could fuck whoever you wanted to fuck in the nest, but in public you were straight. _never admit to be anything else._ being anything else is a distraction from exy and can be viewed negatively in the public light. overall, it was easier to remain heterosexual.

however, seeing jack smirk was slightly infuriating. he tolerated the kid, because he was a good player. but jesus fuck, that little shit needed to get decked.  
“ ha ! i _knew_ he wasn’t a faggot” he smirks.  
within a second andrew is on him. knife pressed to his neck “i’ve said this before and i won’t say it again. i don’t like that word, so don’t use it” he says calmly, face bored. his eyes, however, are murderous.

kevin is glad for the distraction, mostly everyone is glaring at jack. even aaron who, after a while, has managed to get over his instilled,internalised homophobia. kevin only wishes he could do the same.

he starts to make his way to the showers, and once he’s there nicky calls out to him “ we’re not finished with this conversation!” he calls out, delighted.  
kevin just rolls his eyes.

after cleaning up, kevin makes a point of avoiding everyone because they??? expect him???to talk about _feelings_???and not??exy???absolutely not!!!!

they load onto the bus to get to the hotel, and kevin cringes when nicky,neil and andrew corner him. andrew only seems slightly amused and sits behind, leaning on kevin’s seat while nicky is turned around and sat up in the seat opposite. neil sits beside kevin.

kevin says nothing, he absolutely refuses. nope. he’s not doing this.  
“soooo...knox aye?” nicky grins  
kevin looks boredly at him “ still straight,nicky”  
to his surprise, andrew speaks up “no you’re not, day. stop pretending to yourself because you’re still living under raven regulations” he scowls.  
nicky giggles “ just face it kevin! you have a big fat schoolboy crush on him” he teased “ even if you are straight, you have a man crush! maybe he’ll even kiss you, how do you know you’re straight if you’ve never kissed a guy?”

kevin scoffs without meaning too. never kissed a guy? please. he’s kissed _plenty_ of guys (okay, 4. riko,jean,some guy at eden’s when he was drunk,and andrew.again,drunk. andrew had shoved him off so fast and told him never to touch him without permission again)

andrew raises an eyebrow but says nothing, looking at his black painted nails boredly.

neil chimes in finally “ don’t feel pressured to come out to us or anything, but also don’t you dare pull that ‘being hetero is easier’ shit out of your ass again. you know that’s bullshit”

kevin scowls. it’s not bullshit, it’s _true_. being gay and going pro _can_ work,yes. but there's so many obstacles that could be avoided if you remain straight,in the public eye at least.

kevin’s phone buzzes and he takes it out without a thought. heart racing when he,and the other 3 boys, see the notification.

 **jeremy☺️🌻💛**  
hey kevin !!! i’m going out to get the drinks for the party, so i thought i might as well pick you up from your hotel !! which one are you staying at?

kevin’s throat goes dry, quickly turning off the phone. it’s too late.

“you know, it doesn’t sound very heterosexual to me saving the guy you’re obsessed with , with a smiley emoji,a sunflower emoji, and a heart” nicky grins. neil snorts a little and you know what? kevin has fucking had enough.

“you know what? _fi_ _ne_ ” he shouts, momentarily forgetting there are other people on the bus “i’m bisexual! i like boys! now fucking leave me alone!” his face is hot with anger. normally, this shit doesn’t bother him. but he’s so _tired_.so tired of _hiding_ ,so tired of being _bothered_ about this,when really it doesn't mean anything because its not like kevin is good enough to have _anyone_ ! gender regardless !

nicky looks stunned “kevin-“ he starts, voice apologetic.  
he’s interrupted by jack “ _what_?” he screeches “ please say youre kidding! y-you're kevin day! you cant be a _faggot_! what has the world come too??”  
andrew is about to get up, but before he even moves aaron is up and punching jack square in the jaw. he’s close enough he doesn’t even have to move.

andrew only looks mildly surprised, watching aaron intently. everyone is silent. because _aaron_? that boy boy may be an asshole, but he’s not an instigator. that’s his brother's job.  
aaron shrugged , looking at jack with annoyance “my brother is one of those fags you keep talking about. stop talking shit, you fucking piece of shit” he says before sitting back down while looking at a scowling jack, only held back by sheena. who,despite being as stupid as jack, knows that if jack hurts aaron, andrew _will_ kill him.

kevin looks at neil, who’s grinning ear to ear and looking at aaron. ugh. he and aaron are almost friends now, and neil seems to be rubbing off on him. god save them all before there's two neils, both under protection from andrew minyard. kevin shivers at the thought.

andrew stares blankly at aaron “ i don’t need you defending me”  
“i know you don’t. but i’ve been itching to punch this kid all year” aaron replies,glaring at a scowling jack.  
andrew just nods slowly, sitting back down.

wymack parks the car and gets out of the seat. glaring slightly at jack “you little shits always have to start stuff while i’m trying to drive? oh and jack, i don’t tolerate your blatant discrimination. i won’t. you’re cleaning all the equipment once we get back to palmetto. as for kevin” he looks at his son “ i want to talk to you in private,that alright kid?”

kevin nods slightly. watching as everyone piles off the bus.  
once everyone is gone, wymack squeezes kevin’s shoulder with a slight smile “ i’m proud of you,kid”  
kevin just nods “thanks c-dad” he corrects himself. he’s still getting used to this, he only started calling wymack ‘dad’ earlier this year.  
wymack nods “ if he gives you shit again i want you to tell me right away okay? i dont give a shit if they’re a good player,i’ll kick that ass off my team if he’s going to be such a nuisance”  
kevin shakes his head “ he's a good player. no kicking off good players”  
wymack laughs “ classic kevin. game first right? have fun on your date by the way”  
kevin’s cheeks _burn._ because this is his coach, and dad!!, for fucks sake. discussing his love life is the _last_ thing he wants to be doing right now. he wants to claim that it’s not a date. because it’s not! but he knows his tone will give him away.  
wymack looks slightly awkward “uh, stay safe yeah? and don’t be back too late, we’re leaving early tomorrow”  
kevin wants to _die_.  
instead of combusting from embarrassment he just nods and quickly exits the bus, practically sprinting to the hotel.

once in his room, he changes into black jeans and a trojan's hoodie. he subconsciously messes his hair up a little. aaron looks at him amused, since they’re sharing a room, but says nothing. he’s not one to pry, and kevin is thankful for that.

eventually there’s a knock on the door. just his luck that he’s pissing when it happens, so aaron opens the door. when he comes back, jeremy knox is sitting on his bed with a bright smile.

“ ready to go?!” he tilts his head to the side.  
kevin just nods and follows him out, mentally trying not to freak out. this isn’t a date. he and jeremy have hung out before. this definitely isn’t a date-

“ could you maybe not drink too much at the party?” jeremy hums once they’re walking down the hotel corridor “ i don’t want you to be too drunk for our date afterwards!”

kevin nods along before processing what he said. his eyes widen comically, and he almost gets whiplash from how fast he turns to look at jeremy  
“date?” he asks. it comes out more of a squeak. he’d be embarrassed if he wasn’t so shocked.

jeremy grimaces, and kevin wants to _cry_ seeing Jeremy’s perfect,beautiful face seem sad.

“ i’m so sorry kev! i thought i made it clear...shit. if you don’t want to come anymore i fully understa-“

“no!” kevin blurts “i, um, yes. yes, i do want to go on a date with you” he stutters, painfully aware of how hot his face is. and how awkwardly his hands are, placed at his side and pinching the fabric of his jeans.

jeremy beams “ oh! alright then!” he smiles, taking kevin’s hand and walking into the elevator with him.

something in kevin’s heart burst when Jeremy took his hand, and even more so when in the elevator he leaned up and pecked kevin’s cheek. kevin had almost 4 inches of height more than Jeremy, but he managed.

tonight would be a good night. of course it would be ; kevin had his own personal sun, shining on him so that he could glow so much brighter in the night sky.

_~bonus~_

**jeremy knox** _😊✨_ _@jereknox_

kevin day, after our date while in the middle of a make out session : wait does this mean you _like_ like me 

me : i-

replies <————————————

**KEVIN DAY STAN** _@EXYLLENT_

JSJDJJDFHH KEVIN DAY IS AN OBLIVIOUS DUMBASS SPREAD THE WORD 

**Author's Note:**

> again the ending is kinda rushed and overall it’s a little shitty but take it anyway


End file.
